Chapter 11: What I Need

~Ana~

It has been three weeks since I was released from the hospital. My shoulder is completely healed and it only has a sore ache from time to time when I raise my arm above my head. I haven’t really spoken to Christian very much since he decided that I wasn’t his girlfriend. I can’t believe he made me feel like shit in front of his family. This is why I never wanted to meet them. I knew he would be ashamed of me. I never realized that I held out hope for my assumption to be wrong.

I dry my eyes and continue to get ready for work. I wasn’t sure if I still had a job, but when I asked my new boss he told me that his boss said that under no condition was I to be fired so he replaced Hyde with me. I was confused by this until I remembered Christian saying he bought the company. Well one thing he cannot buy is my love. If he wants me to forgive him for embarrassing me then I want him to prove himself. No amount of flowers sent to my apartment (which Kate and I have been tripping over for weeks) or jewelry sent to me in the mail, or lunch delivered to my job is going to make me forget how he treated me. He has been nothing but rude to me since we reunited after all these years. Christian has always been that way, but never towards me. He has always thought of sweet ways to regain my affection. But this time he is just getting on my nerves. I’m starting to doubt that he even really loves me.

I break off those thoughts and pull my thigh high boots into place and zip them up. I have on a dark purple sweater dress and black stockings. I feel decent enough to take on the day. I open up the door and I barrel right into Christian.

“What the hell are you doing out here?!” I sputter at him. He is dressed in dark gray sweat pants, a hoodie, and running shoes. He is drenched in sweat and breathing extremely hard.

“I was running and I just ended up here,” he heaves at me. “Why haven’t you been returning any of my calls, emails, or text messages?”

“I wasn’t aware I was supposed to be. The last time I checked I wasn’t your girlfriend. So I see no reason to continue this conversation.” I try to side step him, but he only blocks me.

“Ana you’re not my girlfriend.”

“Christian at first I was hurt, but now you’re really starting to piss me off,” I growl at him.

“What do you expect me to say?! Confess my love for you and then just carry you off into the sunset? That’s not the way I operate Ana and you know it. There has to be a mutual agreement between the two of us if this is going to work.”

“What do you mean a mutual agreement?” He can’t be talking about what I think he is.

“You know what I mean Ana. Now come with me.” He grabs my hand and I pull away from him.

“I’m not going anywhere with you. I have to go to work.” I try to side step him again, but he blocks me once again.

“That has been taken care of. You are not expected at work today now come with me.” He pulls my hand again and when I try to jerk it away this time his hold only tightens. I panic only slightly and then I remember that this is Christian.

“Let me go now Christian.”

“No. You will come with me Anastasia. You will come willingly or I will pick you up and carry you over my shoulder. It’s your choice Ana.”

From my experience I know that he is serious, but I refuse to back down. “Christian I swear to God if you don’t get out of my way I’ll—“

“You’ll what Ana?”

I get so angry, because I don’t know what to say, that I try to shove him out of my way. I aim for his shoulders, but he steps back slightly and I lose my footing and I continue forward and my hands land in the middle of his chest. His eyes nearly bug out of his head and he pushes me off of him so hard that I fall flat on my ass. He flings himself to the other end of the hallway. We sit there and stare at each other for a moment before he finally breaks the silence. “Look at us. What the hell are we doing?”

I shake my head and look down at my knotted fingers.

“Ana I’m sorry. Seeing you again and then you ignoring me for the past three weeks has put me in a really bad mood. I miss you and I would like for you to come back to my place so we can talk. Please, Ana?”

“You have been the jackass of the century to me Christian. You used to be so kind and thoughtful, but now I hardly even recognize you. What happened to you? We were inseparable. I loved you so much. What did I do to you?”

“You did nothing to me Ana and I want to make it up to you. Please let me do that. And I hope when you say that you loved me that that is not in the past tense. Please. It’s too late for you to go to work now. Just come with me and I’ll make everything right I promise. I want to be with you so much that it’s hurting me. I hate to see you this way. I always seem to make you sad.” He looks down with a shameful look on his face.

I sigh and say, “Alright, I’ll come with you Christian, but we have a lot that we need to work through.”

“I agree. Come. Let me help you up.” He stands and offers me his hand. I take it and he pulls me against his body and stares down at me for a moment. Just when I think he might speak he shakes his head and leads me out of my apartment building. We walk outside and get in the back of his waiting SUV.

“I thought you said you ran here.” I look at him with an arched brow in confusion.

“I did, but I don’t go anywhere without Taylor. He either runs alongside me, behind me, or he drives when I’m in a… particular mood.”

“And today was one of those moods it seems.”

“So it seems Anastasia.” He turns his head and stares out the window and I do the same. We ride in silence for about five minutes before we pull into the underground garage of his stately apartment building. Taylor parks in front of the door to the lobby leading to the elevator and comes around to open my door. I smile at him and he gives me a small smile back. Christian grabs my hand and pulls me away as his bodyguard gets back in the car to go and park it. Christian pushes the call button for the elevator and as we wait, a very handsome man joins us. The elevator arrives and we all board. The man presses the button for the eleventh floor and turns to us and asks, “What floor?”

“I live in the penthouse. I have to input a code.” The man’s eyebrows fly up and he looks at Christian with amazement.

“You must be Christian Grey. I was told that you lived here, but I’ve never had the opportunity to meet you.” He puts his hand out and says, “Blake Frost. It’s a real pleasure to meet you.”

They shake hands and he turns to me. “And you are…?”

“Anastasia Steele.” I put out my hand and we shake and I see his eyes roam over the entire length of my body. I blush furiously and look down. The elevator has now come to a stop on his floor, but he hasn’t noticed because he is still blatantly staring at me with a rather dazed look. Christian clears his throat and the man is jolted back to reality. He nods at Christian and smiles at me and then he exits the elevator. The door directly in front of us is the door to his apartment and before the elevator doors close I see him turn and look back at me with a look that can only be described as wonder and maybe even awe. The doors close on him and Christian punches in the code for his penthouse rather roughly. “What’s with you?”

He glares at me and says, “It looks as if another heart has been snared under you bewitching spell Miss Steele.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about you and this…” He waves his hand to indicate all of me. “This voodoo or this spell that you seem to put on men.”

I snort out a rather unladylike laugh and say, “I have been accused of lots of things in my life, but never have I ever been accused of witchcraft.”

“Oh I think you know and practice witchcraft very frequently.” He looks down at me in all seriousness. He can’t really think that I’m a witch can he? Of course he can. He’s Christian Grey. The elevator stops before I can say anything else on this matter and he takes my hand and leads me out. We enter his great room and he seats me on the couch. “Would you like some wine?”

“You drink this early in the morning?”

“You wouldn’t believe how relaxing it can be, but no I don’t make a habit of it.” He comes and sits next to me and it’s as if a light bulb has gone off in his head and he asks, “Have you eaten at all this morning?”

“I had a banana and some yogurt when I first got up.”

“That isn’t food Ana.”

“Well I don’t know what you call it, but it was pretty fulfilling to me.”

“I don’t have time for your smart mouth Anastasia.”

“You rarely ever do Christian.”

He sighs and smirks a bit before he says, “We need to talk.”

“About what,” I ask.

“The relationship that we’re forming needs to be… structured. It needs to be a mutual agreement between the both of us.”

“There it is again, that mutual agreement nonsense. What the hell are you talking about?”

“You know how I am Ana. I need you to submit to me. I need us to trust each other and be able to connect on a deeper level.”

“Submit to you? Are you fucking kidding me? If I’ve told you once then I’ve told you a thousand times I am not your submissive.”

“That’s true, you aren’t my submissive, but you can agree to it Ana. You can sign the contract and make it a mutual thing. I want you to do this for us.”

“And what about what I want? Do you even care?”

“Of course I care, but you haven’t even tried it. You don’t know if you’ll like it or not.”

“I’m positive that I won’t.”

He sighs very hard and gives me a frustrated look. “Come with me.” He stands and stretches his hand out to me. I take it hesitantly and he pulls me from the couch and practically drags me through the rest of the room and up the stairs. He stops in front of a pair of white double doors and looks at me. “I’ve told you absolutely everything there is to know about this lifestyle, but the one thing I have yet to do it show you exactly what it’s like. Maybe if I do that then I can explain better what everything is, what it means, and how it works.”

I roll my eyes at him and say, “Just open the damn door Christian.” He looks at me for a second longer before he finally pushes down on the handle and opens the door. I walk inside of the lowly lit room and it takes a minute for my eyes to adjust, but when they do it takes everything in me not to scream. I look around with wide panicked eyes and I can hear Christian talking and I see him pointing at things and explaining, but I can’t make out what he is saying over the roar of my own blood and the sound of my heartbeat in my ears. This is why he wants me? He wants to beat the shit out of me just like all the rest of them because he has “dead mommy” issues. I look around slowly before my eyes rest on him. He has fallen silent and he is staring at me with wide eyes. He looks afraid.

“Ana. Don’t do that. Don’t cry. Why are you crying?”

“I thought you were different Christian. I thought we could have meant something different to each other, but you’re no different from everyone else. You don’t want more with me. You just want to use me like everyone else. Just like Stephen…” I whisper to him nearly heaving as I speak his name for the first time in ten years.

“Ana I would never treat you like that asshole did. I want to love you and protect you, but I need it to be this way. This is the only way I know how.”

“Well I need it to be some other way. What about what I need? You say I haven’t tried this, well Christian you haven’t tried either.” I close my eyes and I can now feel the tears rolling down my face. “Why can’t you be normal? Why do I have to love someone so fucked up? Haven’t I been through enough?” I don’t realize that I have said it out loud until I hear him gasp.

“You don’t mean that,” he whispers.

I shake my head at him and say, “I have to go. I can’t be here right now.”

His eyes widen and now he looks truly scared to death. “You’re running from me?”

“Christian I can’t—“

“No! You can’t do this to me when we’ve only just found each other. I finally got you back and you’re leaving me again?” He shoves his hand in his hair and pulls hard enough to make me wince. “You can’t do this Ana you just can’t. I love you! Don’t you understand? I’ve loved you for years. Please don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to us.” He cups my cheek and his eyes are pleading with me. I want to be all that he needs, but thinking about him hitting me makes me think about all my years of abuse. He isn’t any different from him. He wants to hurt me and what’s worse is he’s going to enjoy it. I am crying uncontrollably now. I shove his hand away from my face and mumble incoherently about needing to leave and I run from the room. I don’t know why I expected anything different, but I hear him chasing after me. I start to run as fast as my heels will allow me to and I dash through the great room past Taylor and the housekeeper who are locked in an intimate embrace in the foyer. I breeze past both of them and push the call button for the elevator and thankfully it opens immediately. I rush inside and press the ‘door close’ button. I hear him coming. I hear the sound of his shoes falling on the porcelain floor and the scream of my name and his plea for me to stay and then I see his face. It is absolutely heartbreaking to see him this way. This is the same way I left him eleven years ago after we blew up on each other. He sat outside my window all night and all day pleading for me to let him in. But this is different. He looks a thousand times worse than that day.

“Ana please don’t do this. Please don’t leave me before I’ve had a chance to explain.” The doors begin to close and I hold down the ‘door open’ button.

“Christian you’ve been explaining ever since we were kids and quite frankly I’m tired of listening. I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone who wants to do nothing, but hurt me.”

“It’s not about pain Ana and you know that. I’ve told you this a million times. You know that I would never hurt you.”

“Do I know that Christian? You say that, but that… Red Room of Pain up there says differently! I don’t deserve this! You don’t know what it’s like to be continuously hurt by the people who are supposed to love you when you’ve never hurt anyone in your entire life! What did I ever do to you for you to want to do this to me? I’m sorry that your mother hurt you, but I’m not her. You can’t hurt me because you want to hurt her. She is dead! She’s gone. You can’t hide behind her forever. The longer you do, the more people you’ll watch walk away from you.” With that I allow the doors to close and I leave his pain ridden face behind.  I slide down the elevator and sob. I can’t continue to let men treat me like this, not even Christian Grey.

~Christian~

I stare at the elevator for a full ten minutes before I see movement in the corner. I turn to see Taylor and Gail emerge from the security of the darkness. “Sir is there anything I can get you?” Gail asks me.

“Ana. I want you to get me Ana,” I say and I turn to look at, not Gail, but Taylor. “Please Taylor. Bring her back to me.”

“I’ll do everything I can, Sir.” He turns and goes to take the service elevator. I walk back into the apartment and look around. It is very bright in the room and I realize that it is not even ten in the morning yet. It seems like I have aged one hundred years. I have lost her again and this time I drove her away. She compared me to that sick bastard. I am nothing like him! Aren’t you Grey? You witnessed the cruelty that she experienced, which had nothing on your past. She had a fucking nervous breakdown when she was nearly raped and you think she could handle that shit?! I shake my head against the voice speaking to me. I don’t want to hear the truth. I want my Ana.

I wonder back to my playroom and I look around. I still don’t get it. I don’t understand what’s so horrible about the way I live. I know that it isn’t conventional, but it is how I am and I can’t change that, can I? I climb in the bed and fall asleep thinking of nothing, but blue eyes and brown hair.

“Count!” I hear myself say.

“One!” I know that voice. I would know it anywhere. The scene in front of me becomes clear and I am holding a whip. I draw back and bring it down hard, cracking it across a woman’s back. She whimpers and collapses across my whipping bench and she says nothing.

“I said count!” She screams out the next number and I continue to beat her until I see red welts form on her back. She is crying and begging me to stop, but I don’t because ‘stop’ is not a safeword. I continue even as she sobs and screams for me to stop. I only hit her harder.

“Christian please I can’t do this! Don’t hit me anymore.” I continue to hit her even though she is begging me to stop. She begins to turn over and before I can stop it the whip comes down in a wide arch and it hits her from her right eye all the way to the edge of her belly. The blue eyes stare back at me in horror, begging and crying. Ana. No! I would never do this to her. The scene shimmers in front of my eyes and changes. I am now standing over a thirteen year old Ana in her childhood bedroom with a leather belt in my hand. She has no shirt on and she has turned over and tried to take the belt from me, but I am still hitting her. I don’t care that she has turned over. I hit her over and over again across her face, her chest, her stomach. I am getting sick, but my hand refuses to stay still. Suddenly my vantage point changes and I am looking through the crack in Ana’s closet as Stephen beats the shit out of her with a leather belt. I feel so sad for Ana and I feel angry because I can do nothing, but watch. The scene changes several times with Stephen and Ana in different positions and different beatings taking place. I am glued to the spot helpless to do anything. I am crying and trying to scream, but nothing is coming out. I need to save my Ana, but she is not safe with me either. I hurt her. I beat her like a common sub and I didn’t even care when she told me to stop. I can’t take this anymore. I am not a monster like him. I want to protect her and keep her safe. All I can see is her face contorted in pain as I beat her with a whip and a belt. No! No! NO!

I wake up screaming and sweating. I take in my surroundings and realize that I am still in the playroom.

“Mr. Grey! Please open the door, Sir. What’s wrong?” Gail is frantically jiggling the door knob. She has the key to the room, but she won’t enter and invade my privacy while I am in here. I can’t move. I am looking at everything around me. I imagine bringing Ana in here as I have for the past three weeks, but I don’t get aroused like I used to. I am disgusted with myself. Who knew that it took empathy for me to understand her? I cannot believe myself. I get out of the bed and I head for the door. I have to find her. I have to let her know how sorry I am and that I love her. I have to—

My thoughts come to an abrupt halt as I throw open the door.

“Hey.”

“Ana.” I see Taylor standing behind her smiling. He nods to me and takes his leave. I look back at Ana. “What time is it?”

“It’s three in the afternoon. You’ve been in there a while. Gail has been yelling for you to open the door for hours.”

“Ana I’m so sorry for earlier. I shouldn’t have forced you to try anything. You were treated so horribly as a teenager and I don’t want to contribute to that. I’m not a monster Ana and I’ll prove it to you if you’ll just give me a chance.” I am begging her.

“Christian I don’t think you’re a monster. You never have been. I love you, but I can’t give you this.” She waves her hand to indicate my playroom.

“I don’t want you to. We can try something else. We can try to be… normal. But I’m not sure I know how.”

“Well then we’ll just have to learn together. Maybe we should start by being friends again.” I don’t like that, but at least she is here. She kisses me on the lips very softly.

“What made you come back?”

“You have a very persuasive bodyguard.”

I send up a silent prayer of thanks to the divine powers smiling down on me and I make a mental note to give Taylor a raise. I take her by the waist and lead her down the stairs and what she says next has my heart stopping. “That guy we met on the elevator is really weird. I saw him when I was on my way out and he held the door for me and he just stood there staring at me and smiling. He asked if I needed a lift anywhere, but of course I declined. I tripped over the curb trying to fend him off and he helped me up and he held me for an uncomfortable amount of time. I mean I literally had to pry myself out of that guy’s arms. He’s really creepy Christian. I felt… threatened. I’m probably overreacting, but I swear he just gave off a really bad vibe.”

“No baby you’re not. I’ll run a background check on him and check him out. Will that make you feel better?”

“I don’t want to pry into anyone’s life…”

“If you feel threatened in any way I will pry, pull, and crack open lives for you.” I kiss the top of her head and then something strikes me and I smirk at her.

“What?”

“You felt him give off a bad vibe?”

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“You know that’s a sign of witchcraft baby.”

“Oh shut up Christian.”

I smile at her, but I now understand why men used to accuse women of being witches. I am completely bewitched by Ana. She has put a spell on me something fierce. I look down at the woman in my arms. She wields some powerful magic.

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~Laters baby~

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